Billy the Loud Mouth Bass Goes Postal…Story at 11:00

6 Jul

I have been fishing a time or two since last week and I report that the mid-summer doldrums have officially set in.  Fish were caught, but none of them easily.  The water has been receding like Ryan’s hairline (insert drum rim shot…) and water clarity has achieved a state, that if you look hard enough you might see your waders being made in China.  With the conditions being less then ideal (…and by ideal I mean, conditions conducive to covering up my more than suspect fishing abilities) I am really starting to consider evening floats on the Broad for some smallmouth love.  I have never really gotten into smallmouth, and have always looked at this particular breed of fish with a little disdain.  I mean seriously Bass are the garbage disposals of the fish world, much like Mikey and my Father they will eat anything.  I also have all the common profiling tendencies of Bass fisherman.  I have seen a bass trailer with twenty inch spinning rims.  This my friends is class with a capitol “K”.  In my day job I have to peddle the prostitute’s wears like pumpkin seed flukes, bleeding tubes, and the most profane, power bait.  No matter how many showers I take , my soul remains stained.  Why would I want to lower myself to chasing the same species as these troglodytes?  A species that in fact, is as ugly as a Pontiac Aztec, and built much the same.

The Pontiac Aztec...Turns out they were a big hit in Albania

The Pontiac Aztec...Turns out they were a big hit in Albania

Bass...the trout's trailer park cousin

Bass...the trout's trailer park cousin

Well the answer always alluded me till this summer.  First i need the cash, float trips for smallies are starting to roll in and I need a new pair of boots (literally, I don’t even remember my felt).  The more esoteric reason behind my recent conversion is as follows.  When you are on rivers as much as I have happened to be lately it becomes more about the bite then what’s biting.  I love trout but in the middle of the day when it’s ninety degrees and bright sun I have decided that my time might be better spent on a query that actually feeds in those conditions.  This is a radical idea I know, but it hit me like a lightning bolt the other day,  I should fish to whatever is eating whenever it is eating.  Why would I just limit myself to trout?  That’s like saying I am only going to eat Lo Mein at the chinese buffet when they have General Tso’s sitting right there, that is just craziness.  I may really love Lo Mein, but the Tso’s can conceivably give me equal if not greater enjoyment, and don’t even get me started on the frozen yogurt machine.  I am not one to deny myself enjoyment, and I will no longer do so.  In conclusion I will wish all my warmwater  targets good luck.  I have been perfecting my crawfish arsenal and I have been tying clousers like my name was Bob.  in the near future, I will be bustin’ down your living room door and jamming my size 4 hook right up in yo’ lip, I will proceed to play you expertly to the boat and then ask Ryan to pull the hook out because I really don’t want to have to touch your ugly ass.

Murhpy feels Bass-tastic

Murphy feels Bass-tastic

– Nymph-o


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