The South Holston…River of Wonders…And Peeing Turtles

30 Sep

Today I am locked back up in the shop, but Sunday…oh Sunday…I fished.  As some of you know I am on baby watch as my wife is about to violently dispel the fruit of my marginal seed.  This was to be my last trip for the immediate future as my days of chasing trout around these mountains is to quickly be taken over by long hours of vomit, poop, and general poor behavior.  In this respect it will be very similar to my twenties (if you throw in the ever constant fear of inadequacy).

Ryan, Mike and I met up around ten (it was supposed to be 9:30 but Ryan’s case of irritable bowel syndrome hit him and the McDonald’s bathroom around Marion…once again trading my fishing time for his pooping time) and hit the road to Bristol with nothing but South Holston browns on the agenda.  

A different arena of battle...but no less fierce or redbird than the South Holston

A different arena of battle in Bristol...but no less fierce or red bird than the South Holston

The plan was to wade up by the weir for a few hours and then float out the afternoon and evening hunting a sulfur hatch.  It is very rare in life that a plan comes together so nicely as it did this day.

We got to the weir, rigged up and walked in a little ways down from the ramp.  I was rigged with a yellow soft hackle and a little UV Midge, two patterns that have been hookin’ trout like Ice-T  with the ladies back in the day before Law and Order SVU, and ready for the nonsense that the Holston has been known to dish out.  Much to my surprise I was hooked up on my first cast with a hot little rainbow.  Turns out he had friends because I proceeded to put on a clinic on how to catch 11-14″ fish.  It got kind of silly, especially considering the fact that this was the first seam I cast to, with more fish caught in a short period of time than anybody like me deserves.  

One of my many conquests

One of my many conquests

During  my one spot, one rig, fish catching bonanza Mike and Ryan were…how should I say it…practicing their cast.  Like many things, I dare  not mention for the sake of decency, casting is best practiced in the privacy of your own home or local park and not in front of your friends.  Fortunately those two jerks got their act together in short order and starting pulling fish at a proper pace.  

We fished out the low water until about 3:30 and stuck the boat in for some afternoon delight hoping our sulfary (word?  If not you heard it here first) mayfly friends would join the trout and ourselves for a Caligula like shit show in the fading light of day.  Around six or so we pulled into a slick to find the water choked with sailboats and the trout feeding at the buffet line. Streamers were quickly traded for dry flies and mad casting commenced.  We worked our way down the bank until i got Ryan into position to hit up a nice soft pocket close to the side.  Ryan laid down the compara-dun nice and gentle like…wham…all I saw was butter…maybe two sticks worth.



There is more to this story though.  Ryan, earlier in the day had saved a turtle that was crossing the road.  The turtle promptly gave him a Jimmy Swaggart special and peed all over him.  The reasoning here goes save a river creature…let him pee on you…catch a pig brown trout.

The magical urinating turtle

The magical urinating turtle

After I informed Ryan, and he agreed, that it was mostly my skill at the oars and his turtle luck that explains his recent string of remarkable trout Karma we kept on creeping till we hit another pod of risers.  Mike worked these guys for about 45 minutes and pulled out a couple of colored up browns and a nice bow.  

All bowed up...I kill me

All bowed up...I kill me

Cant Stop Dancin

Can't Stop Dancin'

I was perfectly content on the oars watching my friends pull the wool over some trout’s eyes sipping on my twenty two of Fat Tire, and oh yeah did I mention I had Chili Dogs?

I believe that covers all four major food groups

I believe that covers all four major food groups

Light was fading and my day was over.  Not a bad way to hang it up for a while…no more than a few weeks right…right?

Pour a little out for your homey,



3 Responses to “The South Holston…River of Wonders…And Peeing Turtles”

  1. Lindsey (aka "Wifey") September 30, 2009 at 1:07 PM #

    Ah. The chili dogs explain a lot. Thanks, babe. We needed that with the one bathroom and all.

  2. bentrodmedia September 30, 2009 at 6:42 PM #


  3. Keith July 7, 2012 at 10:46 AM #

    Was the dam generating when you floated?

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